Learning to cope with rejection is just part and parcel of dating survival. If I had a dollar for every time I'd heard the excuse 'it's not you, it's me', someone would have married me for my money years ago. Other classic - yet over-used - let-downs include 'I really just want to be friends', 'My life is too full for a relationship right now', and the oldest one in the book, 'I thought I was ready to date again but now I realize it's too soon'.
The rejection one faces can happen way before ever meeting. In fact, with Internet dating one is forced to become painfully aware of how many people choose not to 'date' or 'contact' one just by seeing the difference between the number of people who check out a profile compared to the number of times one's approached. That said, I'm also aware of how many profiles I would go into with no intention of ever contacting the man behind the snapshot, for many reasons that have nothing to do with attraction, rejection, interest or lack thereof. With the Internet in particular, if you don't have thick skin it's not the place to look for a match.
And then there are those who prefer to dissipate into thin air rather than dealing out a face-to-face rejection. Dating etiquette dictates that after a first date, there is no obligation to call again. Personally, I have always appreciated a call after a date, even if it was just to say 'you're nice but not for me'. However, I also understand that people who are dating constantly may get tired of constantly rejecting their dates or having to explain themselves, so when the call didn't come I never took that personally. What I find incredible, though, is that some men choose to not call again after several dates. I dated one guy six times – including a visit to his parents one weekend – before he decided to call it quits. He just didn't tell me. In the week after our last date, not knowing we'd met for the last time, I called, sent a text message, got no reply and gave up. I wavered between worrying whether he was dead, and wishing he was. Eventually I saw him pop up on the same dating site we'd met through, and simply wrote him off as a loser.
For a while, what seemed to be my personal forte was preparing potential partners for marriage and opening them up to true love. Unfortunately, much of the time it was not me they actually married or fell in love with. There was one phase where three men in a row realized how much they loved their ex-girlfriends as soon as things started getting serious with me, and by the time the third one got engaged I was ready to advertise my services to desperate women who couldn't convince their guys to tie the knot. It got so bad I found myself interrogating potential partners about their ex-girlfriends before we started dating, just to assess the reconciliation risk before getting myself in too deep.
Admittedly, the easy letdown is certainly not my strong suit either. In cases where direct attempts at a pickup are made, when perfect strangers make a move, I have always tended to say I have a boyfriend but thanks anyway, regardless of how true that response has been at the time. For some reason, men I meet in all sorts of everyday situations often mislead my big smile and friendly persona for some kind of romantic interest, and I've got the 'thanks but no thanks' response down to a fine art. However, in dating situations this excuse obviously doesn't hold water, and on more than one occasion I have found myself dating someone several times, not because I was in the least bit interested, but because I just didn't have the heart to let him down.
So it seems that to date well today, skills need to be honest both in dispensing the rejection and coming to terms with it when it comes your way. I am not an expert – both areas are a personal weakness, and I turned to a world-class expert on this topic for tips. Cynthia Heimel's books are highly recommended for daters and non-daters alike, and their titles can really be used as back-pocket cheat sheets for desperate daters. So if you're reading this and need some new rejection material, some ideas for good let-downs, or just want a good laugh, check out the following great guides and use the titles as your own:
- "If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?"
- "Get your tongue out my mouth, I'm kissing you goodbye"
- "If you leave me can I come too?"
- "When Your Phone Doesn't Ring, It'll Be Me".
You might end up on your own, but at least you'll have the last laugh
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